May 29, 2009

Sometimes, Struggle=Motivation

This is a vent that turned into more motivation for myself. Hopefully someone else will benefit from this.

Very recently, I've felt like giving up on my dreams. It's not because I don't love what I do. It's just so hard, sometimes too hard. I broke down crying today after work because I'm so tired of the struggle. I wrote about the major setback that I had back in February when Gilla Roos closed, leaving me out of nearly $4,000 of money that I had earned on two photo shoots. Up until that point, it was as if I were finally getting break, things were finally getting better. I had been booking regularly, booking jobs with high rates, and I wasn't having to wait tables (I'm working on paying down my credit card debt). Then my agency closed and I've spent the last few months fighting to get the money that I'm owed. Luckily, one client I worked with has paid me and I will be receiving the full rate ($2,300) next week. I have a court date with the other client next week.

In addition to that drama, and despite being picked up by a bigger agency, I have had barely any print castings (recession anyone?) and have only done a couple of paid photo shoots. As a result, I've had to go back to working in restaurants which I'd been dreading. I can barely afford to get the new headshots that I'm shooting on the 9th, but I desperately need them. I decided to go with Laura Rose. She's much pricier, but she's freakin' awesome. After paying for the shoot, makeup, retouching, prints, and new comp cards, I've estimated that I'll be spending close to $1500. It's a lot of money, but I'm looking at it like an investment, which it is. A vital one. I'm just so frustrated and discouraged because it seems like every time I take a big step forward, I'm knocked back two steps, whether it's money or jobs or family conflicts.

My fiance and I have been discussing when we want to start our family (after getting married next month) but I just can't image bringing a child into such an unstable environment. While he alone makes really good money, it's not enough to bring kids into the world (especially living in NYC) and give them the lifestyle that I desire for them. Before the last year or so, before I really became serious about having kids, I never really cared about the unpredictable nature of being an actor/model. Now, I've found myself longing for more stability. But at the same time, this is my passion and I can't see myself being happy doing anything else for a living. I think we'll hold off for at least another year before we consider starting a family.

So, if you haven't noticed, I have a lot of shit on my mind. I know that I'm never going to give up, this is just a tough time that I'm going through. I've done my best to stay positive but I needed to vent and let the negativity pass. I'm hoping that I can look back on this blog post in a few months (hell, a few days) and smile at how silly I was being.

Choosing to dedicate my life to such a fickle, unpredictable, scary business was the easiest decision that I ever made. That doesn't mean that the road is going to be easy. Getting to perform as an actor, and take beautiful photos as a model is my dream, and despite the set backs, I think I've been doing a pretty decent job at it. I'm way too talented and smart to let my fears and obstacles get the best of me. I'm going to continue to bust my ass and I know the hard work is going to pay off for me big time.

Now if I could just win that damn lottery......

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